Monday, 14 December 2009


Hi Titlies et al (that’s a Titan Lovelies portmanteau I coined last week),

This week was final week, aka getinasmanyadbreaksashumanlypossibleweek, which is what they’ll officially be calling it next year actually. Dim little Stacey from Daggenham, amazingly hot Olly with dancy feet from Essex and bland Joe from some godforsaken place called South Shields went head to head to fight for the crown of COWELL PUPPET ‘09.

It was a lengthy process which claimed approximately four hours of the weekend. It was amazing though. George Michael managed to stay awake long enough to do a duet with Joe and Robbie Williams was an absolute wazzock (OK, that’s not so much “amazing” as it is “standard procedure”).

HERE’S WHAT THEY SANG (on Saturday):
Stace: first audition song – Wonderful World, Duets – Feeling Good, Best Song – Who Wants to Live Forever
Joe: first audition song – Dance With My Father, Duets – Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me, Best Song – Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word
OLLY MURRRRS: first audition song – Superstition, Duets – Angels, Best Song – Fool in Love

Stace got the least amount of votes and was kicked off. Joe and Olly returned for Round Deux (that’s “round two” in French, FYI) last night.

Olly – Twist and Shout (how can you fail to love this dude?)
Joe – Don’t Stop Believin’ (so not as good as the kids from Glee.)

THEN they sang the winner’s song. Written for a teenage Disney sugary piece of trash. Totally fitted like a glove with both of these guys, then. It was “The Climb”.

Joe sang it better, I’ll concede that. However, nothing can hide the fact he’s an utterly boring human – please note, he NEVER has friends talking about how great he is on VTs, just “Hilda”. She can bore off too. PLUS he looks like Hilary Swank in “Boys Don’t Cry”. What Olly lacked in singing talent he made up for in personality (and looks, let’s not be shy about this) – I’d much rather watch him stumble through an E4 interview with that Welsh twonk, Jones, than McBoredry.

The public voted. In fact, more people voted for the X Factor winner than voted in the last British General Election. HANG YOUR HEADS IN SHAME BRITAIN. Take a moment to think about the moronic nature of the British public now. Go on. TAKE A MOMENT.

Right, now, moving on...

The winner was... JOE MCELDERRY. He sang his single one last time after Dermot showed him a CD case (remember those?!) of his single. Great. This also means Hannah won the sweepstakes.

So that’s it guys. X Factor has ended. It’s been emotional. Until next year...

This is Z-Factor, signing off...

In an error on my part, I didn’t collect a £1 coin (or pennies to the sum of £1) from you all to present to Hans – so please can you get your pennies together NOW to give to Hans?

Tuesday, 8 December 2009


Hi X Factor Lovelies,

Welcome to the penultimate (that means second to last, yeah) X Factor email.

This week was semi-final week and all the stops were pulled out. We had choirs, dry ice and my particular favourite, the fire curtain. Ohhh yeah, now we’re talkin’.

The first round were Michael Jackson songs, because we haven’t heard enough of those this year...
Stacey – The Way You Make Me Feel (I enjoyed it. I love a bit of chair dancing)
Joe – She Out of My Life (He can sing. He is nice. But he is terribly vanilla)
Danyl – Man in the Mirror (Complete with Earth Song-themed VT. Faux pas, Cowell)
Olly – Can You Feel It (My boyfriend informs me I love Olly a little too much. We might have a problem because nothing can stand in the way of Olly and I. Anyway, Olly was amazing even if he did look a little bit like a trophy on his little tower thing.)

Then they had to sing a song to get them to the final. Perhaps I am mistaken, but isn’t this the purpose of the whole competition? Annnyway, here’s what those beautiful pop puppets sang...

Stacey – Somewhere (It was amazing, but it reminded me of my mother who used to sing this to me. Unfortunately for Stacey, my mother is tone-deaf, bless her, so it wasn’t the greatest connation)
Joe – Open Arms (Yeah yeah, he can sing like a good ‘un. He’s going to win. And by this time next year you’ll have forgotten him and wish you’d voted for Olly. Just like JLS last year. Check if I’m wrong)
Danyl – I Have Nothing (Lovely and prophetic)
Olly – We Can Work It Out (Crazy dancing legs. Lovely stuff. Louis said this wasn’t a well-known song, confirming that Louis is actually living on another planet and/or is senile.)

Lady GaGa was also kicking about in a massive bath, displaying a brand of crazy only GaGa can create. Then Janet Jackson came on and sang a medley of hits from the 1990s. Glad to see those Jacksons aren’t rinsing their dead brother for all he’s worth... Dermot was not allowed to speak to Jan-Jan. I think everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

No bottom two this week, and the announcements were mercifully quick. Danyl Sidesmile was kicked out. This was the right decision. Unfortunately, Olly cried A LOT. I’m going to have to have words. No one needs to see snot on a Sunday evening. This means little Matty Bear is out of the running, which is a dreadful shame. Him and his date jumper will be missed. No snot from you either, thanks Matt.

Hans – Joe
Natalie – Stacey
Rona – Olly

Until next week, this is Z-Factor signing off...

Thursday, 3 December 2009


Patient X Factor Fans,

Last week there was no Z-Factor as I was on my death bed, but don’t worry guys: I have risen again. This is the second coming of Z-Factor!

If you cast your minds back to the Saturday before last, Wham!/George Michael took over X Factor (not in person, thank sweet baby Jesus). Mariah Carey also popped by with 10 million paper butterflies. She laughs in the face of deforestation.

I won’t regale you with both weeks, so I’ll cut to the chase on Wham! Week (it’s pleasing to say that – I hearts alliteration). In the sing off was Jedward and Olly – a travesty. Where was that stupid Welsh boy?! Anyway, Jedward were kicked off. I almost had a heart attack – I couldn’t live without Olly now. Dannii tried to prove some point about X Factor not being about entertainment (good to know). I love you Dannii, but do not toy with my emotions when Olly is at stake.

This week was Take That/Elton John week – woo woo! Why TT and EJ have to share a week when GEORGE MICHAEL gets one to himself, I’ll never know. Unfortunately, neither Barlow nor EJ turned up, but the show went on regardless. I was just glad Robbie didn’t rear his ugly head again. Here’s what our lovely little idiots sang:

Stace – Rule the World (quite good. Lacked fire curtains)
Joe – Could It Be Magic (bit operatic for my liking)
Lloyd – Million Love Songs (Jesus wept)
Danyl – Relight my fire (Wouldn’t wee on you if you were on fire, Danners)
Olly – Love Ain’t Here Anymore (swoon)

Stacey – Something About The Way You Look Tonight (Sheepskin-tastic)
Joe – Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word (pretty great, actually)
Lloyd – I’m Still Standing (unfortunately)
Danyl - Your Song (bit dull)
Olly – Saturday Night’s Alright (Let’s just skip the next two weeks and make Olly Prime Minister. That is what we’re voting for, right?)

There’s no longer a bottom two as from now on it’s based on votes alone. This is a worrying development – there are an untold amount of morons out there who are allowed mobile phones. Who knows what they’ll do!! Thankfully, the morons pulled through this week and Lloyd was voted off. This means that we also lose MMR, but he will remain in our hearts forevs.

Next week is semi-final week! AMAZING. The final is going to brilliant. White Christmas Trees, children’s choirs and fake snow abound. SCREEEEEAMMMMMM! It’s CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIISTMAS!

Hans – Joe
Natalie – Stacey
Matt – Danyl
Rona – Olly

Until next week, this is Z-Factor signing off.


Monday, 16 November 2009

X Factor Week Six (sponsored by Calvin Harris)

Hi X-Types!

This week was Queen week, who incidentally have a Greatest Hits Album out this week. They advertised it in the ad breaks – WHAT A COINCIDENCE. Also, Calvin Harris stormed the stage with a pineapple and got called an idiot by Simon. Cowell is badly mistaken – Harris is a genius, Si’s just jealous he didn’t think of it first.

It being Queen week meant that Brian May and Roger Taylor were on hand to stand by a piano and nod at each contestant individually, whilst imparting words of wisdom such as “She seemed nice!” Sadly, not even Simon Cowell’s powers extend to bringing back Freddie Mercury. No, Freddie was left to spin in his grave all evening...

ALSO, Jafro wore a sparkly AC/DC t-shirt to meet Queen (!!) and Lloyd said he’d never heard of them. That alone should have put them in the bottom two! IDIOTS.

Here’s what the boys ‘n’ Stace sang...

Stacey – Who Wants to Live Forever
Joe – Somebody To Love (He was really glad Cheryl put him in the “little brother” zone last week, actually. He didn’t secretly wish flirty little Lloyd dead or ANYTHING)
Danyl – We Are the Champions
Jafro – Radio Ga Ga (every fibre of my being is repelled by this man)
Olly – Don’t Stop Me Now (oh God, I badly love Olly)
Jedward – Under Pressure (actually, Ice Ice Baby – out of time rapping is cool, y’all)

On Sunday we had several treats – Shakira bored us with her next dull-as single whilst wiggling her smokin’ body around, ALL 12 X Factor finalists were on hand to sing “You Are Not Alone” for the Great Ormond Street hospital (Michael Jackson would be so proud - he loved helping kids, touching their... Lives and stuff... Yeah!) and then May-Taylor-X Factites did some of Bohemian Rhapsody. Lloyd presumably didn’t know what the hell was going on. Jafro looked smug.

UNTIL he got put in the bottom two. BEST MOMENT OF 2009 SO FAR! Lloyd was also in the bottom two, probably owing to the fact he cannot sing for toffee. It went to deadlock and Jafro was the least popular (well done Britain, I am proud) so he was out. SEE YOU, YOU EPICALLY ANNOYING IDIOT. This means we bid farewell to Neil as well, who is not an idiot or annoying in the slightest. Sorry for your loss, Neil.

Marts - John & Edward
Hans – Joe
Mark – Lloyd
Natalie – Stacey
Matt – Danyl
Rona – Olly

Next week Mariah’s on. Can’t wait to watch Dermot try to negotiate that one.

Until then, folks, this is Z-Factor signing off...


Monday, 9 November 2009

X Factor Week Five (sponsored by Disney)

Hi X Fans,

This week was FILM WEEK over at X Factor. This meant they mentioned DISNEY'S A Christmas Carol every two minutes (no word on Dickens) and also ran A LOT of Disney ads in the multitude of breaks. Oh, and if you weren't subliminally conditioned enough to go out and buy a Disney DVD by that point, Joe and Lucie stepped in to sing Disney songs/talk about how much they love Disney. Sadly, Dermot didn't wear a Mickey Mouse suit.

Here's what they sang:

Stacey - Son of a Preacher Man (pretty good!)
Lucie - This is Me (barf)
Joe - Circle of Life (see Lucie)
Lloyd - Stand By Me (massive cringe)
Danyl - Purple Rain (not as good as RUTH LORENZO last year. If not, Ruth was Spanish - that was her "thing".)
Jamie - Crying (smug, irritating, needs a punch on the snout)
Olly - Twist and Shout (swoon)
Jedward - Ghostbusters (I ain't afraid of no ghost - brilliant)

Last night the Black Eyed Peas gave a strange (read: rubbish) performance and Leona Horse Face Lewis came back to remind everyone that being a good singer doesn't necessarily equate with having an interesting personality.

In a very strange twist in events, Lucie and Jedward were in the bottom two. WTF, voters, WTF? I know I don't vote (I'm not paying £1!) so I can't complain, blah blah blah, but here I am, COMPLAINING. Who is voting for Jafro and Lloyd?! Someone remove their phones from them immediately.

So Jedward sang Rock DJ and jumped up and down A LOT - they also leapt into the audience and the production crew almost had a panic attack. That wouldn't have happened on Brian "hoodie" Friedman's watch! Lucie Jones sang One Moment in Time. I'm sorry, I know she can sing but she's just so beige. Yuck.

Simon controversially took the decision to deadlock - cynics say this was tactical on his part. My sources (read: Digital Spy) whole-heartedly concur*. Lucie got the least votes, so was voted off.

Do you know what this means? DO YOU? It means I am freakin' out of the running. DAMN YOU WALES, you're meant to vote indiscriminately for anyone from Wales. You've failed me. AGAIN.

Annnnyway, still in the running...

Marts - John & Edward
Neil - Jamie Afro
Hans – Joe
Mark – Lloyd
Natalie – Stacey
Matt – Danyl
Rona – Olly


Until next week, this is Z Factor signing off...


X Factor Week Four

Hi all...

As we were all getting spooky last Saturday night, the real horror show was over at X Factor this week - I'm looking at you, Lloyd.

The theme was Rock and Jamie Twatfro looked like the cat who'd got the cream. It would have been too delicious if he'd been voted off this week... Sadly he wasn't.

In other news, Cheryl wore an awful dress and Danyl brought suicidal feelings into every home in the UK. Yes folks, Danyl was visibly shaken by the news stories this week that he was a bully and worse than Hitler. Unlike the tabloids to coin such sensationalist hyperboles, I know, but Dan really took it to heart. Even I felt sorry for him and emotions don't come easy to me!

Anyway, on with the guitar bollocks... I mean ballads.... This is what they all sang:

Rachel - One (U2)
Stacey - Somewhere Only We Know (Keane)
Lucie - Sweet Child of Mine (Guns 'n Roses)
Joe - Don't Stop Believin' (Journey)
Lloyd - I Kissed a Girl (Katy Perry)
Danyl - Don't Wanna Miss a Thing (Aerosmith)
Jamie - Get Your Rocks Off (Primal Scream)
Olly - Come Together (The Beatles)
Jedward - We Will Rock You (Queen)

Stand out performance award goes to Olly, who was amazing. Lucie straightened her hair and looked totally different (but wasn't great). Stacey walked, which is apparently worthy of MUCH praise (she's not THAT thick, surely?). Lloyd was awful awful awful.

Rachel and Lloyd were in the sing offs. It looked like curtains for Lloyd, who could barely sing, but Simon thought Rachel was so unpopular he might as well let it go to deadlock. Naturally, Rachel was out - a massive shame as she could actually sing, unlike Lloyd. But oh well. I've got to let this go. Deep breaths, Zo's. So it's goodbye to Rach and goodbye to Sir Phil. You were both magnificent.

Marts - John & Edward
Neil - Jamie Afro
Hans – Joe
Mark – Lloyd
Zoë – Lucie
Natalie – Stacey
Matt – Danyl
Rona – Olly

Until next week, this is Z-Factor signing off...


X Factor Week Three

Hi Xcitable X Factor Lovelies!

This week on X Factor it was Big Band week and woe betide anyone who didn’t follow the rules: Louis was ready to witter on about it all night. “AT LEAST HE SANG A BIG BAND SONG”. Awesome smack down, Louis. Simon looked really intimidated.

No one likes Big Band week. It’s boring. Thank God for John and Edward. Michael Buboring was also on hand to offer his pearls of wisdom and then he did a robotic little dance for everyone on Sunday. Here’s what they all sang, try not to lose the will to live...

Rachel “I’ve stolen Stacey’s personality” Adedji (there’s a chance I spelt that wrong) sang Proud Mary. Then she went mental after her comments. I wanted Dermot to slap her. He didn’t. Sad times.

Stacey sang an emotional... Scratch that... BORING performance of Wish Upon a Star. That’s Disney, not big band, Stace. Still, nice girl.

Lucie sang Funny Valentine, which was really good. Shame she’s Welsh. Yeah, I said it.

Joe sang Sway. Everyone loves him and his stupid teeth now. Can no one see he’s a massive cheese-fest of horror? He’s a young Cliff Richard. No good can come of this. The time to act is now, people. Get rid of him!

Lloyd did Fly Me to the Moon. When is someone going to point out that Lloyd can’t actually sing? Yeah, he has dreamy eyes but THAT DOESN’T PAY THE BILLS, LLOYD.

Danyl sang Feeling Good. It was pretty good despite him being an epic twonk.

Jamie Ego sang a U2 song. Double thumbs down in the taste stakes, dudes. This song choice incensed our little Irish judge A LOT. Shut the hell up, Louis – no one cares. I can’t wait to see Ego’s face when he gets kicked off.

Olly Murrs – the best Essex export since Lucy Dowling sang Bewitched.

Miss Frank sang That’s Life. It was way better than anything they’d done before. Even the middle one looked good – that is no mean feat by the costume department.

John and Edward did She Bangs. No one had any idea what that had to do with Big Band (Louis didn’t complain though... Double standards there, Walshy), but it didn’t matter – they were in garish suits! YAY!!!! It wasn’t as good as their Britters tribute last week, but still much more exciting than the rest of the competitors put together.

Miss Frank and Danyl were in the sing off. Both “acts” performed pretty well on Saturday, so that was unfortunate. Danyl sang Little Help From My Friends, aka the theme tune from the Wonder Years – woo yeah! Anyone with me? No? OK. Miss Frank sang Love Don’t Live Here Anymore – and they were right, as they were kicked out! Shame it wasn’t Jamie Afro, but there’s always next week. That means we say goodbye to Leelingman – you’re all familiar with that scenario as they all sodded off elsewhere anyway. I KID!

Marts - John & Edward
Neil - Jamie Afro
Hans – Joe
Mark – Lloyd
Zoë – Lucie
Natalie – Stacey
Phil – Rachel
Matt – Danyl
Rona – Olly

Until next week, Z-Factor is signing off...