Monday, 14 December 2009


Hi Titlies et al (that’s a Titan Lovelies portmanteau I coined last week),

This week was final week, aka getinasmanyadbreaksashumanlypossibleweek, which is what they’ll officially be calling it next year actually. Dim little Stacey from Daggenham, amazingly hot Olly with dancy feet from Essex and bland Joe from some godforsaken place called South Shields went head to head to fight for the crown of COWELL PUPPET ‘09.

It was a lengthy process which claimed approximately four hours of the weekend. It was amazing though. George Michael managed to stay awake long enough to do a duet with Joe and Robbie Williams was an absolute wazzock (OK, that’s not so much “amazing” as it is “standard procedure”).

HERE’S WHAT THEY SANG (on Saturday):
Stace: first audition song – Wonderful World, Duets – Feeling Good, Best Song – Who Wants to Live Forever
Joe: first audition song – Dance With My Father, Duets – Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me, Best Song – Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word
OLLY MURRRRS: first audition song – Superstition, Duets – Angels, Best Song – Fool in Love

Stace got the least amount of votes and was kicked off. Joe and Olly returned for Round Deux (that’s “round two” in French, FYI) last night.

Olly – Twist and Shout (how can you fail to love this dude?)
Joe – Don’t Stop Believin’ (so not as good as the kids from Glee.)

THEN they sang the winner’s song. Written for a teenage Disney sugary piece of trash. Totally fitted like a glove with both of these guys, then. It was “The Climb”.

Joe sang it better, I’ll concede that. However, nothing can hide the fact he’s an utterly boring human – please note, he NEVER has friends talking about how great he is on VTs, just “Hilda”. She can bore off too. PLUS he looks like Hilary Swank in “Boys Don’t Cry”. What Olly lacked in singing talent he made up for in personality (and looks, let’s not be shy about this) – I’d much rather watch him stumble through an E4 interview with that Welsh twonk, Jones, than McBoredry.

The public voted. In fact, more people voted for the X Factor winner than voted in the last British General Election. HANG YOUR HEADS IN SHAME BRITAIN. Take a moment to think about the moronic nature of the British public now. Go on. TAKE A MOMENT.

Right, now, moving on...

The winner was... JOE MCELDERRY. He sang his single one last time after Dermot showed him a CD case (remember those?!) of his single. Great. This also means Hannah won the sweepstakes.

So that’s it guys. X Factor has ended. It’s been emotional. Until next year...

This is Z-Factor, signing off...

In an error on my part, I didn’t collect a £1 coin (or pennies to the sum of £1) from you all to present to Hans – so please can you get your pennies together NOW to give to Hans?

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