Monday, 14 December 2009


Hi Titlies et al (that’s a Titan Lovelies portmanteau I coined last week),

This week was final week, aka getinasmanyadbreaksashumanlypossibleweek, which is what they’ll officially be calling it next year actually. Dim little Stacey from Daggenham, amazingly hot Olly with dancy feet from Essex and bland Joe from some godforsaken place called South Shields went head to head to fight for the crown of COWELL PUPPET ‘09.

It was a lengthy process which claimed approximately four hours of the weekend. It was amazing though. George Michael managed to stay awake long enough to do a duet with Joe and Robbie Williams was an absolute wazzock (OK, that’s not so much “amazing” as it is “standard procedure”).

HERE’S WHAT THEY SANG (on Saturday):
Stace: first audition song – Wonderful World, Duets – Feeling Good, Best Song – Who Wants to Live Forever
Joe: first audition song – Dance With My Father, Duets – Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me, Best Song – Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word
OLLY MURRRRS: first audition song – Superstition, Duets – Angels, Best Song – Fool in Love

Stace got the least amount of votes and was kicked off. Joe and Olly returned for Round Deux (that’s “round two” in French, FYI) last night.

Olly – Twist and Shout (how can you fail to love this dude?)
Joe – Don’t Stop Believin’ (so not as good as the kids from Glee.)

THEN they sang the winner’s song. Written for a teenage Disney sugary piece of trash. Totally fitted like a glove with both of these guys, then. It was “The Climb”.

Joe sang it better, I’ll concede that. However, nothing can hide the fact he’s an utterly boring human – please note, he NEVER has friends talking about how great he is on VTs, just “Hilda”. She can bore off too. PLUS he looks like Hilary Swank in “Boys Don’t Cry”. What Olly lacked in singing talent he made up for in personality (and looks, let’s not be shy about this) – I’d much rather watch him stumble through an E4 interview with that Welsh twonk, Jones, than McBoredry.

The public voted. In fact, more people voted for the X Factor winner than voted in the last British General Election. HANG YOUR HEADS IN SHAME BRITAIN. Take a moment to think about the moronic nature of the British public now. Go on. TAKE A MOMENT.

Right, now, moving on...

The winner was... JOE MCELDERRY. He sang his single one last time after Dermot showed him a CD case (remember those?!) of his single. Great. This also means Hannah won the sweepstakes.

So that’s it guys. X Factor has ended. It’s been emotional. Until next year...

This is Z-Factor, signing off...

In an error on my part, I didn’t collect a £1 coin (or pennies to the sum of £1) from you all to present to Hans – so please can you get your pennies together NOW to give to Hans?

Tuesday, 8 December 2009


Hi X Factor Lovelies,

Welcome to the penultimate (that means second to last, yeah) X Factor email.

This week was semi-final week and all the stops were pulled out. We had choirs, dry ice and my particular favourite, the fire curtain. Ohhh yeah, now we’re talkin’.

The first round were Michael Jackson songs, because we haven’t heard enough of those this year...
Stacey – The Way You Make Me Feel (I enjoyed it. I love a bit of chair dancing)
Joe – She Out of My Life (He can sing. He is nice. But he is terribly vanilla)
Danyl – Man in the Mirror (Complete with Earth Song-themed VT. Faux pas, Cowell)
Olly – Can You Feel It (My boyfriend informs me I love Olly a little too much. We might have a problem because nothing can stand in the way of Olly and I. Anyway, Olly was amazing even if he did look a little bit like a trophy on his little tower thing.)

Then they had to sing a song to get them to the final. Perhaps I am mistaken, but isn’t this the purpose of the whole competition? Annnyway, here’s what those beautiful pop puppets sang...

Stacey – Somewhere (It was amazing, but it reminded me of my mother who used to sing this to me. Unfortunately for Stacey, my mother is tone-deaf, bless her, so it wasn’t the greatest connation)
Joe – Open Arms (Yeah yeah, he can sing like a good ‘un. He’s going to win. And by this time next year you’ll have forgotten him and wish you’d voted for Olly. Just like JLS last year. Check if I’m wrong)
Danyl – I Have Nothing (Lovely and prophetic)
Olly – We Can Work It Out (Crazy dancing legs. Lovely stuff. Louis said this wasn’t a well-known song, confirming that Louis is actually living on another planet and/or is senile.)

Lady GaGa was also kicking about in a massive bath, displaying a brand of crazy only GaGa can create. Then Janet Jackson came on and sang a medley of hits from the 1990s. Glad to see those Jacksons aren’t rinsing their dead brother for all he’s worth... Dermot was not allowed to speak to Jan-Jan. I think everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

No bottom two this week, and the announcements were mercifully quick. Danyl Sidesmile was kicked out. This was the right decision. Unfortunately, Olly cried A LOT. I’m going to have to have words. No one needs to see snot on a Sunday evening. This means little Matty Bear is out of the running, which is a dreadful shame. Him and his date jumper will be missed. No snot from you either, thanks Matt.

Hans – Joe
Natalie – Stacey
Rona – Olly

Until next week, this is Z-Factor signing off...

Thursday, 3 December 2009


Patient X Factor Fans,

Last week there was no Z-Factor as I was on my death bed, but don’t worry guys: I have risen again. This is the second coming of Z-Factor!

If you cast your minds back to the Saturday before last, Wham!/George Michael took over X Factor (not in person, thank sweet baby Jesus). Mariah Carey also popped by with 10 million paper butterflies. She laughs in the face of deforestation.

I won’t regale you with both weeks, so I’ll cut to the chase on Wham! Week (it’s pleasing to say that – I hearts alliteration). In the sing off was Jedward and Olly – a travesty. Where was that stupid Welsh boy?! Anyway, Jedward were kicked off. I almost had a heart attack – I couldn’t live without Olly now. Dannii tried to prove some point about X Factor not being about entertainment (good to know). I love you Dannii, but do not toy with my emotions when Olly is at stake.

This week was Take That/Elton John week – woo woo! Why TT and EJ have to share a week when GEORGE MICHAEL gets one to himself, I’ll never know. Unfortunately, neither Barlow nor EJ turned up, but the show went on regardless. I was just glad Robbie didn’t rear his ugly head again. Here’s what our lovely little idiots sang:

Stace – Rule the World (quite good. Lacked fire curtains)
Joe – Could It Be Magic (bit operatic for my liking)
Lloyd – Million Love Songs (Jesus wept)
Danyl – Relight my fire (Wouldn’t wee on you if you were on fire, Danners)
Olly – Love Ain’t Here Anymore (swoon)

Stacey – Something About The Way You Look Tonight (Sheepskin-tastic)
Joe – Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word (pretty great, actually)
Lloyd – I’m Still Standing (unfortunately)
Danyl - Your Song (bit dull)
Olly – Saturday Night’s Alright (Let’s just skip the next two weeks and make Olly Prime Minister. That is what we’re voting for, right?)

There’s no longer a bottom two as from now on it’s based on votes alone. This is a worrying development – there are an untold amount of morons out there who are allowed mobile phones. Who knows what they’ll do!! Thankfully, the morons pulled through this week and Lloyd was voted off. This means that we also lose MMR, but he will remain in our hearts forevs.

Next week is semi-final week! AMAZING. The final is going to brilliant. White Christmas Trees, children’s choirs and fake snow abound. SCREEEEEAMMMMMM! It’s CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIISTMAS!

Hans – Joe
Natalie – Stacey
Matt – Danyl
Rona – Olly

Until next week, this is Z-Factor signing off.