Wednesday, 21 October 2009

X Factor Week Two

Hi X Factor Types!

So, it's only week two and we've already been put through the emotional wringer. This week was DIVA week, and boy oh boy did X Factor deliver!

Firstly, let's take a moment to remember Whitney Houston's performance - not the song, per se, as she mimed most of that. But she led by example on the diva act score. The look in Dermy's eyes as he interviewed her was of ONE MILLION PER CENT terror. Brilliant. To be a contributor to X Factor this year you apparently have to be coked off your face whilst claiming you've beaten your demons. Perfect reference from Derms about Whitters not "pulling any punches" - sly Bobby Brown dig? The man is a genius, even if he has sold his soul.

In other news, Cheryl Cole also performed "live". It was pretty good - she wore a hat with a larger circumference than the rings of Saturn. Ashley Cheaty Cole was there to support his wife or eye up the Twins. One of the two.

Here's what the contestants sang...

Rachel sang 'If I Were a Boy'. Poor love.

Stacey wore a bad dress and sang 'At Last'. She got mixed reviews.

Lucie sang 'How Will I Know'.

Joe sang 'Where do Broken Hearts Go?' YAWN. He is good, but man is he dull. Oh, and he used to be fat.

Rikki and his eyebrows destroyed R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Lloyd murdered 'Bleeding Love'. Cheryl cried it was so bad.

Danyl sang 'I Didn't Know My Own Strength' and Simon congratulated himself on an excellent performance.

Jay-Fro did 'Hurt' by Xtina, as predicted by our very own Miss Lee!

Olly (who is allegedly dating Lucie, rumour fans) sang 'Fool in Love'.

John and Edward wore skin-tight red PVC suits and did a routine to 'Oops I did it Again', complete with bizarre Titanic reference.

Miss Frank were on last and sang 'All The Man I Need.'

In the sing off was a SOBBING Rachel and Eyebrow boy. It was... Awkward. Rachel sang 'With or Without You' and Rikki sang 'Flying Without Wings'. Zzzz. Eventually, Rikki was kicked out. Woo hoo! No more throat infections! No more eyebrows! No more stupid hats! So it's goodbye to the lovely Indie too.


Marts - John & Edward
Neil - Jamie Afro
Hans - Joe
Mark - Lloyd
Zoë - Lucie
Natalie - Stacey
Phil - Rachel
Matt - Danyl
Rona - Olly
Leelingman - Miss Frank

Talk is that Cheryl's gone off the boil this year. I think this year's contestants are pretty dull. Next week I predict that Rachel will be out of there. Sorry Phil!

Signing off,

Thursday, 15 October 2009

X Factor Week One

*******************WEEK ONE SPOILER WARNING******************

For those who haven't seen X Factor yet (call yourselves fans?!) then look away now. Phil, are you still reading? Stop, no good can come of this.

It was the first week of live studio performances on the X Factor. There were fights, potentially homophobic slurs (know your audience, Dannii - rookie error) and lots and lots of sequins. That's right: X FACTOR IS BACK, PEEPS!

Sadly, Robbie Williams (aka officially the most annoying person in the world) was also there. He had a ridiculous quiff and vacuous and/or patronising "tips" for the contestants. It'd be easy to think that with those horror Twins and Robbie in the same room together the world would implode from the combined annoying energy coming off them all - by alas, no. The show went on... And on... And on...

Mercifully, the contestants didn't all sing Robbie's ditties. Here's what they did sing...

Rachel was up first and sang 'Let Me Entertain You'. It fell seriously short.

Kandy Rain then sang 'Addicted to Love'. It wasn't great either. Cheryl told them they still looked like strippers. Cheryl = Captain Obvious.

Lovely Olly was on next. He sang 'She's the One'. Robbie said he wanted to be Olly's best mate. Back off, Williams. Go back to Wilkes where you belong.

Eyebrows Ricky was on next. He wore a horrible suit and a stupid hat. He also murdered 'Back to Black'.

Stacey was up next. That dappy one from Daggenham. Yeah, her. She sang a Coldplay tune and made it sound pretty interesting, which is nothing short of a miracle.

Miss Frank sang 'Who's Lovin' You'. I wasn't lovin' them, Frankly. I predict cat-fights on Sugababes scale before Christmas. Check if I'm wrong.

Jamie "All I am is a hairstyle" Archer was on next. He sang 'Bring It On' - it was dull.

Lloyd who is Adam Ricketts incarnate was up next. He tried to be Justin Timberlake and epically failed. Cheryl called him a "little pop star".

Lucie was on next. I can't remember what she sang but it was really good. She got some hair in her face and looked a bit scared. Oh yeah, she sang Leona Lewis - I couldn't remember because Leona's songs are so epically boring. Poor Lucie, she's nice.

John and Edward were the standard horror show they always are. They jumped about and made the nation's skin crawl. Everyone told them they're annoying. Their mother probably hung her head in shame.

Joe turned out to be quite good looking if he keeps his mouth shut (those teeth!). He also turned out to be a REALLY good singer. Well done Joe.

Danyl Sidesmile was last up. I am bored now and can't remember what he sang. SORRY.

So the results came in. Kandy Rain and Rachel were in the sing-off. Rachel was way better at singing, natch. Then the judges couldn't reach a decision. Kandy Rain was kicked off back to Spearmint Rhino. Thank God for that. Brilliantly this also means Jonts is out of the competition!


Marts - John & Edward
Neil - Jamie Afro
Hans - Joe
Mark - Lloyd
Zoë - Lucie
Natalie - Stacey
Phil - Rachel
Matt - Danyl
Rona - Olly
Leelingman - Miss Frank
Indie - Rikki

As the weeks go on this email will get shorter, so that's something to look forward to, eh?

Z-FACTOR, over and out.

Thursday, 8 October 2009

The Start of X Factor

Last year I ran an X Factor Sweepstake at work with regular updates. The updates were so popular with my friends outside of work, they requested I publish them elsewhere, so this is what I am doing. I'm not sure if all the jokes will translate that well to people outside of my workplace.

Hi X Factor Peeps,

The names have been pulled and the results are in. Now it’s time to reveal who you all got in the X FACTOR SWEEPSTAKES ‘09.

Jonterific scored with Kandy Rain – the strippers who seem to think their previous lives are as shameful as beating a puppy to death. They just want a chance to put it all behind them! Dermot nods on sympathetically. Jonts has already sent me a Daily Mail story about KR – he is EXCITED.

Marts is behind Louis all the way – he got The Twins (aka John and Edward). They are the most annoying people on the planet after Robbie Williams (sorry Clubbo). Let’s hope they get run over by a truck soon.

Neil selected Jamie Afro – the man with an afro. His sob story is that he doesn’t like his job. Oh boo hoo, Jamie.

Hans got Joe Teeth – he has bad teeth and no personality.

Mark got crazy fringed Lloyd – he can’t sing but Cheryl has a crush on him. She’ll definitely call him a “little pop star, why-aye pet” every Saturday until he gets voted off because HE CAN’T SING.

Zoë picked out Lucie – she’s Welsh and can’t spell her own name, but she’s pretty inoffensive otherwise (Lucie that is, Zoë is definitely NOT Welsh).

Natalie hit the big time and got Stacey – Stacey is as thick as two short planks but can sing pretty well. She’ll go far I reckon.

Phil was wide-eyed with excitement when he got Rachel - “I love her!” he’s quoted as saying. I don’t know much about Rachel other than Jonty almost fell off his chair with excitement when he thought Grace Jones as entering the X Factor. Christ on a bike.

Matty Bear selected Danyl – Danyl apparently looks like a mad hunchback lurching around the stage, according to Matt. He also has a manic side-smile. I think MB and Danyl going to be swell together.

Rona picked up Olly, who is basically Will Young without a massive jaw. He’ll probably win.

Lucy/Michelle/Sarah (aka Leelingman) got Miss Frank – a cobbled together band who are probably Louis’ best hope of winning.

Indie got Rikki of eyebrows fame – he wears terrible hats and cries a lot.

Here’s a quick run down...

Jonts – Kandy Rain
Marts – John & Edward
Neil – Jamie Afro
Hans – Joe
Mark – Lloyd
Zoë – Lucie
Natalie – Stacey
Phil – Rachel
Matt – Danyl
Rona – Olly
Leelingman – Miss Frank
Indie – Rikki

I’ll get your £1 donations at the end of the sweepstakes when we know who the winner is. Try not to scream with excitement – you’re at work and it’s really inappropriate actually.