X FACTOR: WEEK SEVEN AND EIGHT

Patient X Factor Fans,

Last week there was no Z-Factor as I was on my death bed, but don’t worry guys: I have risen again. This is the second coming of Z-Factor!

If you cast your minds back to the Saturday before last, Wham!/George Michael took over X Factor (not in person, thank sweet baby Jesus). Mariah Carey also popped by with 10 million paper butterflies. She laughs in the face of deforestation.

I won’t regale you with both weeks, so I’ll cut to the chase on Wham! Week (it’s pleasing to say that – I hearts alliteration). In the sing off was Jedward and Olly – a travesty. Where was that stupid Welsh boy?! Anyway, Jedward were kicked off. I almost had a heart attack – I couldn’t live without Olly now. Dannii tried to prove some point about X Factor not being about entertainment (good to know). I love you Dannii, but do not toy with my emotions when Olly is at stake.

This week was Take That/Elton John week – woo woo! Why TT and EJ have to share a week when GEORGE MICHAEL gets one to himself, I’ll never know. Unfortunately, neither Barlow nor EJ turned up, but the show went on regardless. I was just glad Robbie didn’t rear his ugly head again. Here’s what our lovely little idiots sang:

TAKE THAT SONGS:
Stace – Rule the World (quite good. Lacked fire curtains)
Joe – Could It Be Magic (bit operatic for my liking)
Lloyd – Million Love Songs (Jesus wept)
Danyl – Relight my fire (Wouldn’t wee on you if you were on fire, Danners)
Olly – Love Ain’t Here Anymore (swoon)

ELTON JOHN SONGS:
Stacey – Something About The Way You Look Tonight (Sheepskin-tastic)
Joe – Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word (pretty great, actually)
Lloyd – I’m Still Standing (unfortunately)
Danyl - Your Song (bit dull)
Olly – Saturday Night’s Alright (Let’s just skip the next two weeks and make Olly Prime Minister. That is what we’re voting for, right?)

There’s no longer a bottom two as from now on it’s based on votes alone. This is a worrying development – there are an untold amount of morons out there who are allowed mobile phones. Who knows what they’ll do!! Thankfully, the morons pulled through this week and Lloyd was voted off. This means that we also lose MMR, but he will remain in our hearts forevs.

Next week is semi-final week! AMAZING. The final is going to brilliant. White Christmas Trees, children’s choirs and fake snow abound. SCREEEEEAMMMMMM! It’s CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIISTMAS!

STILL IN THE RUNNING:
Hans – Joe
Natalie – Stacey
Matt – Danyl
Rona – Olly

Until next week, this is Z-Factor signing off.

P.S. OLLY TO WIN