*******************WEEK ONE SPOILER WARNING******************
For those who haven't seen X Factor yet (call yourselves fans?!) then look away now. Phil, are you still reading? Stop, no good can come of this.
It was the first week of live studio performances on the X Factor. There were fights, potentially homophobic slurs (know your audience, Dannii - rookie error) and lots and lots of sequins. That's right: X FACTOR IS BACK, PEEPS!
Sadly, Robbie Williams (aka officially the most annoying person in the world) was also there. He had a ridiculous quiff and vacuous and/or patronising "tips" for the contestants. It'd be easy to think that with those horror Twins and Robbie in the same room together the world would implode from the combined annoying energy coming off them all - by alas, no. The show went on... And on... And on...
Mercifully, the contestants didn't all sing Robbie's ditties. Here's what they did sing...
Rachel was up first and sang 'Let Me Entertain You'. It fell seriously short.
Kandy Rain then sang 'Addicted to Love'. It wasn't great either. Cheryl told them they still looked like strippers. Cheryl = Captain Obvious.
Lovely Olly was on next. He sang 'She's the One'. Robbie said he wanted to be Olly's best mate. Back off, Williams. Go back to Wilkes where you belong.
Eyebrows Ricky was on next. He wore a horrible suit and a stupid hat. He also murdered 'Back to Black'.
Stacey was up next. That dappy one from Daggenham. Yeah, her. She sang a Coldplay tune and made it sound pretty interesting, which is nothing short of a miracle.
Miss Frank sang 'Who's Lovin' You'. I wasn't lovin' them, Frankly. I predict cat-fights on Sugababes scale before Christmas. Check if I'm wrong.
Jamie "All I am is a hairstyle" Archer was on next. He sang 'Bring It On' - it was dull.
Lloyd who is Adam Ricketts incarnate was up next. He tried to be Justin Timberlake and epically failed. Cheryl called him a "little pop star".
Lucie was on next. I can't remember what she sang but it was really good. She got some hair in her face and looked a bit scared. Oh yeah, she sang Leona Lewis - I couldn't remember because Leona's songs are so epically boring. Poor Lucie, she's nice.
John and Edward were the standard horror show they always are. They jumped about and made the nation's skin crawl. Everyone told them they're annoying. Their mother probably hung her head in shame.
Joe turned out to be quite good looking if he keeps his mouth shut (those teeth!). He also turned out to be a REALLY good singer. Well done Joe.
Danyl Sidesmile was last up. I am bored now and can't remember what he sang. SORRY.
So the results came in. Kandy Rain and Rachel were in the sing-off. Rachel was way better at singing, natch. Then the judges couldn't reach a decision. Kandy Rain was kicked off back to Spearmint Rhino. Thank God for that. Brilliantly this also means Jonts is out of the competition!
STILL IN THE RUNNING:
Marts - John & Edward
Neil - Jamie Afro
Hans - Joe
Mark - Lloyd
Zoë - Lucie
Natalie - Stacey
Phil - Rachel
Matt - Danyl
Rona - Olly
Leelingman - Miss Frank
Indie - Rikki
As the weeks go on this email will get shorter, so that's something to look forward to, eh?
Z-FACTOR, over and out.