The Start of X Factor

Last year I ran an X Factor Sweepstake at work with regular updates. The updates were so popular with my friends outside of work, they requested I publish them elsewhere, so this is what I am doing. I'm not sure if all the jokes will translate that well to people outside of my workplace.

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Hi X Factor Peeps,

The names have been pulled and the results are in. Now it’s time to reveal who you all got in the X FACTOR SWEEPSTAKES ‘09.

Jonterific scored with Kandy Rain – the strippers who seem to think their previous lives are as shameful as beating a puppy to death. They just want a chance to put it all behind them! Dermot nods on sympathetically. Jonts has already sent me a Daily Mail story about KR – he is EXCITED.

Marts is behind Louis all the way – he got The Twins (aka John and Edward). They are the most annoying people on the planet after Robbie Williams (sorry Clubbo). Let’s hope they get run over by a truck soon.

Neil selected Jamie Afro – the man with an afro. His sob story is that he doesn’t like his job. Oh boo hoo, Jamie.

Hans got Joe Teeth – he has bad teeth and no personality.

Mark got crazy fringed Lloyd – he can’t sing but Cheryl has a crush on him. She’ll definitely call him a “little pop star, why-aye pet” every Saturday until he gets voted off because HE CAN’T SING.

Zoë picked out Lucie – she’s Welsh and can’t spell her own name, but she’s pretty inoffensive otherwise (Lucie that is, Zoë is definitely NOT Welsh).

Natalie hit the big time and got Stacey – Stacey is as thick as two short planks but can sing pretty well. She’ll go far I reckon.

Phil was wide-eyed with excitement when he got Rachel - “I love her!” he’s quoted as saying. I don’t know much about Rachel other than Jonty almost fell off his chair with excitement when he thought Grace Jones as entering the X Factor. Christ on a bike.

Matty Bear selected Danyl – Danyl apparently looks like a mad hunchback lurching around the stage, according to Matt. He also has a manic side-smile. I think MB and Danyl going to be swell together.

Rona picked up Olly, who is basically Will Young without a massive jaw. He’ll probably win.

Lucy/Michelle/Sarah (aka Leelingman) got Miss Frank – a cobbled together band who are probably Louis’ best hope of winning.

Indie got Rikki of eyebrows fame – he wears terrible hats and cries a lot.

Here’s a quick run down...

Jonts – Kandy Rain
Marts – John & Edward
Neil – Jamie Afro
Hans – Joe
Mark – Lloyd
Zoë – Lucie
Natalie – Stacey
Phil – Rachel
Matt – Danyl
Rona – Olly
Leelingman – Miss Frank
Indie – Rikki

I’ll get your £1 donations at the end of the sweepstakes when we know who the winner is. Try not to scream with excitement – you’re at work and it’s really inappropriate actually.